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story by David Edwards
Wake up Smiff...
The Secret Project has you now...
Follow the Mankin...
Knock knock Smiff....
{Smiff presses Ctrl-X to try and cut the text out that has appeared on screen}
{Then he tries Esc. }
The Secret Project
MW231182: What is the Secret Project? Control. It is the world that has been
pulled over our eyes.
Smiff: I don't believe it! Get away from me!
Davemankin: He's gonna pop!
{SMIFF VOMITS ON FLOOR}
Smiff: I know Kung Fu.
MW231182: Show me...
{Smiff and MW231182 appear in a fighting dojo}
MW231182: This is a sparring program. It has the same rules of the Secret Project.
These rules are no different from that of a computer system, some of them can
be bent. Others can be broken. So hit me. If you can.
{Smiff performs his wibbly Kung Fu dance then waves his arms about while shouting}
{MW231182 exhales then performs the mantis stance}
Smiff: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!!
{Smiff attacks MW231182}
{MW231182 does a flying kick and goes through the wall}
{Smiff deftly kicks MW231182's ass}
{Jonlordofall and the others are watching the fight on screen}
Jonlordofall: I don't believe it
Smiff: I know what you're trying to do.
MW231182: I'm trying to bion your brain. Fungi, load the Jump program.
{The surroundings change to the rooftop of a skyscraper}
MW231182: You have to let it all go Smiff: Fear, doubt. Bion your brain.
{MW231182 jumps across the gap to another building}
Smiff: Wow. Okay Dokay. Bion my brain.
{Smiff takes a run up then hurtles towards the ground}
MW231182: Ha Ha! You're crap!
{Smiff hits the ground which goes wibbly}
MW231182: What a nob!
{Smiff and MW231182 return to the deck of the Pileof}
MW231182: Fungi, take us up to broadcast level. I'm taking Smiff to see the
Olive.
Smiff: Wait, I cannot feel my legs. Help me.
Fungi: I'm afraid we ran out of memory in the downloading process and had to
perform a buffer dump. His legs got stuck somewhere in the core memory.
Splod16: Wait, I happen to have some legs in the Flash memory of my Rio player.
I'm afraid they are only 4MB, so the resolution will be quite low. They will
appear to be quite blocky.
{Smiff, MW231182, Splod16, jcsurfer9959, Dr Z and Davemankin place themselves
into the chairs}
MW231182: Fungi, load us up
{Everyone arrives in a brick room, furnished only with an old phone}
{The phone begins to ring}
{MW231182 picks it up}
PhoneVoice: I'm sorry, the number you have dialed has not been recognized, please
try again.
MW231182: What the hell?
{MW231182 puts the phone down, it rings again}
{MW231182 picks it up}
{Phone makes those funny modem scratchy beepy noises}
{Doom marine comes out of the phone}
DoomMarine: Urg. Arg.
{DoomMaine fires BFG at Davemankin, who survives}
Davemankin: Ow.
{DoomMaine runs off}
MW231182: Ok, let's go.
{Everyone drives to Olive's house}
MW231182: Smiff, what Olive tells you is for you and you alone.
{Smiff walks into a room with some kids in}
Smiff: What would you like for Christmas little boy?
Littleboy: I'm a bender.
Smiff: Urrrr... You are a freak!!! Get away from ME!!!!!
{Smiff kicks small freaky child, who goes flying out of the window}
Olive: Hello Smiff.
Smiff: Ah! Don't scare me like that! Why is everyone in here such a freak! Are
these all your kids?
Olive: Yes, but I have to tell you-
Smiff: Urrr... You are a freak woman!! Get away from me!
Olive: Wait, I have to tell you somethi-
Smiff: Don't touch me! I don't want no freakin freak disease!
Olive: Have a cookie.
Smiff: Ok.
{Smiff eats cookie}
Smiff: Yum.
Olive: What's wrong with your legs?
Smiff: Nothing!.... There is nothing wrong them... They are fine...
Olive: Anyway, I have to tell you something.
Smiff: Mmm, can I have another cookie?
Olive: Yes, but this is important Smiff, it is about your future...
Smiff: Mmm, can I have another cookie?
Olive: No
Smiff: Please?
Olive: No
Smiff: Please?
Olive: No
Smiff: Please?
Olive: Look, I don't have anymore!
Smiff: Yes you do, there're behind your back!
Olive: No I don't.
{Smiff tries to grab the tray from Olive}
Olive: Hey! Look, listen to me!
{Smiff punches Olive in the face and grabs the tray of cookies}
Smiff: Mmm... cookies.
{Smiff feels the pulse of Olive}
Smiff: Crap, I've killed the Olive!
FreakyChildFromOtherRoom: Mommy? Where are you?
Smiff: Crap! What shall I do?
{Smiff gets a mop out of the cupboard and puts the Olive's coat on it.}
{Smiff pokes the mop out of the kitchen door}
SmiffInOliveVoice: Don't worry freaky children, I'm just going to pop out for
some tea...
{Smiff throws the Olive's body out the window}
{Body collides with innocent civilian (Madman Carcus)}
Madman Carcus: Ow.
FreakyChildren: Mommy! She's fallen out the window!
Smiff: Oh no! I couldn't save her! Oh dear. Bye!
{Smiff legs it (with difficulty due to low-res legs}
{Fungi uploads RAM expansion pack from Smiff's N64 to increase graphic detail
levels}
Smiff: Ah, that's better.
{Smiff meets up with MW231182 outside}
MW231182: Are you ok? I thought heard something?
Smiff: Er, yes I am fine.
MW231182: I hope she gave you some good advice?
Smiff: Er, yes, she told me that... I would... find the future in a cookie.
MW231182: Ah, I see. Come, we must go.
{Everyone drives back to the derelict building}
{As they are walking up the stairs, Smiff turns around and notices a body fall
past the window}
{The same body falls past the window}
Smiff: Ah, déjà vu.
Jonlordofall: What?
Smiff: Nothing, just a little déjà vu.
Jonlordofall: What did you see.
Smiff: Someone committed suicide off this building, then the same man fell past
the window again.
MW231182: Dr Z, jcsurfer9959, go.
{Splod16 and Davemankin draw their guns and go upstairs}
MW231182: A déjà vu is usually a glitch in the registry of the secret project.
It occurs when they use regedit.
{Jonlordofall is upstairs, when he hears footsteps approaching} {The door bursts
open, and a squad of police storm in}
Jonlordofall: No!!!!!!!!!
{Jonlordofall grabs two massive machine guns from boxes in the room}
Jonlordofall: Take this pigs!
{Jonlordofall sprays the room with bullets, mowing down policemen}
{Because of the large pile of dead policemen blocking the door, a cop throws
a grenade to clear the path}
***GIBS***
{Jonlordofall drowns in gibs}
{Fungi watches from a screen as Jonlordofall dies}
Fungi: No!
MW231182: Quick! This way!
Davemankin: We're trapped! There's no way out!
{Splod16 gets out a mobile phone}
Splod16: Quick! Fungi! Find a structural joint in the main wet wall!
Fungi: Got it.
{MW231182 throws Davemankin at the approaching police as they escape down a
toilet}
{Davemankin gets shot a lot but survives}
{MW231182, Smiff and the others climb down the structural joint}
{Agent Dodge and DELboy are here, searching the building}
{Cop enters toilet room}
{He goes to take a piss but sees Davemankin down the toilet}
Cop: They're in the walls!!!!!
{The cop is taken over by agent DELboy}
MW231182: Get Smiff out! He's all that matters!
{Agent DELboy grabs MW231182 from through the wall}
Smiff: MW231182!!!!
Splod16: GO!!!!
Smiff: Ok. Quick! Before MW231182 changes his mind!
{Davemankin had been in an ambulance, but escaped and he runs down the street
as he gets his phone out}
Davemankin: Get me outta here!
Fungi: Got an exit ready, it's an old TV repair shop.
{Davemankin approaches the TV repair shop}
{Davemankin kicks the door down and picks up the phone}
{Davemankin is back on the Pileof}
Cataclysm: Got him.
Davemankin: Where are the others?
Fungi: Nearly there.
{Davemankin walks off, picks up an anti-static gun and aims it at Fungi}
***ZAP***
Fungi: Ow
{Fungi walks off to get some ointment}
Cataclysm: NO!!!!
{Davemankin repeatedly sparks Cataclysm with the anti-static gun}
{Cataclysm becomes a smoking pile of burnt flesh (after 3 hours)}
{Davemankin picks up the headset from the console}
{Smiff and the others are getting to the TV repair shop when the phone rings}
Splod16: Hello?
Davemankin: Hello Splod16
Splod16: Where are Fungi and Cataclysm?
Davemankin: Ha Ha Ha. I fed them enough volts to power a small gas cooker!
Splod16: You killed them?
Davemankin: And now, I'm going to kill jcsurfer9959! Watch this!
{jcsurfer9959's leg floats off into the sky}
jcsurfer9959: Arrg!!
Splod16: Why are you doing this?
Davemankin: The agents said they could give me lots of steak if I give them
MW231182. I tired of eating fecal-based foods every day!
Splod16: What? Why didn't you eat the protein based goopy stuff that everyone
else ate?
Davemankin: There were other things to eat? No matter, you are all going to
die now! Ha ha ha ha!
{Dr Z's eyeballs expand until the pressure on his cranium causes his head to
explode}
Dr Z: Arrg!!
Davemankin: And now Splod16, I'm going to kill Smiff!
Splod16: NO!!!
{Fungi returns to the deck of the Pileof with a rail gun}
Fungi: Eat this!
{Fungi force feeds the rail gun to Davemankin, then punches him in the stomach,
causing the rail gun to fire a uranium slug out the top of Davemankin's head}
Davemankin: Arrg!!